Sunday, July 27, 2008

Blockbuster

I’ve got issues. It’s okay, I’ll admit it. And it’s common knowledge that the first step to recovery is admitting that you’ve got a problem. So, here goes . . . I cannot go into Blockbuster alone. I always feel like an idiot walking around places like that by myself. I know that no one even notices that I’m there but I can’t help feeling like everyone is staring at me and thinking, “Aaww . . . how sad. She has no friends.” I know that it’s no big deal and that no one is going to look at me twice or even pay attention to the fact that I’m there but it’s my own insecurity.

When I go into a grocery store I always wear my iPod so I look distracted and can avoid eye contact with people I don’t know. That way they won’t notice how uncomfortable I feel about buying all of that food for no one but myself. I’ve never eaten at a restaurant alone, I’ve never been to a movie theater on my own. I don’t like going to the mall without company and I’d rather pay delivery charges then go into a restaurant to pick up takeout. Yet, when I’m at home, I hate having people around. It’s nice to occasionally have someone over to watch a movie or for dinner or whatever, but for the most part, I’d rather hang out solitary. My roommate is nice enough and we're friends and we have a good time together but I relish my nights alone when she goes out of town, not because she's gone but just because I can spend some time alone.

I’ve been told time and time again that I need to get over my fear of PDA’s (Public Display of Aloneness) and just accept it and in all honesty, I believe I have. Just not in the way they want me to. See, the problem is, I’m in no hurry to get over my issues. Because with recovery I might one day be comfortable being solo in public, but then I’d still have go into Blockbuster alone.

1 comment:

Maria said...

Hey, we've had this conversation before! You're so silly. I ALWAYS go to Blockbuster alone ... and the grocery store ... and WalMart ... and Costco ... and Target ... and the gym ... hmmmmm ... where don't I go alone?

All of the true things that I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
- Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.