Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Miss me?

Okay, I know I said I was going to give it a break for a while but this story is just so funny that I have to share. Honestly, it would be a crime against nature and comedy to keep it to myself. So you'll get this one and probably a few others along the road but I'm going to lay off anything personal for a while. I figure people probably don't care about my personal life as much as my observations anyway, so here goes.

Saturday night (or should I say Sunday morning?) some neighbors across the way in my complex starting making a ruckus. This is not unusual for them. It's a house full of (very) young and stupid renters and they have no respect for anyone else in the area that might have children or just a crazy desire to sleep at 1am. They've had the cops called on them multiple times and have had eviction threatened many times. I think the owners just keep cycling people through it. One moron will move out and another idiot will take his place - and around we go.

Anyway, I heard some guy run out of their townhouse with his girlfriend shouting about how they were going to "do this" and "get it done". I stayed in bed thinking they were going to get in their car and leave and my part in the story would "be done". Then the headlights came on and lit up the entire parking lot. That's when I realized that they were going to try to jump a dead battery. I felt really bad for the people directly across from me because they had said headlights shining right into their living room and master bedroom. Chuck the Wonder Dog was all kinds of agitated by all of the noise and started to pace out on the balcony so I got up to check it out (and encourage him to bark at them). Sitting on the floor in my room spying out the front window I was riveted by the drama that was going on down there.

It all started out pretty normal, they pulled up some sort of an SUV next to the Malibu hooked up the cables, started the first car, and then went to hook the cables up to the dead Chevy. And then she shrieked, "Holy &@*#&! It's on fire! Do something!" As things under the hood were starting to melt he tried (with bare hands) to remove the cables from the battery. I don't know, call me illogical, but my first thought - which I almost screamed from my hiding place - was to cut the power since it was an electrical fire. Simply put, turn off the running car. And that begs the question, why was that car running in the first place? I'm no car expert but I have jump started more than one dead battery and I typically start with both cars in the OFF position. There I go, being logical again.

Back to the story . . . As the drunken bimbo was freaking out I heard, "I'm going to go get some water!" Thankfully, he wasn't quite as drunk as I'd previously assumed and logically warned her of the fact that it was an electrical fire and they could both die (I'm paraphrasing as he used a number of four letter expletives within the warning). And this is when they went for help. By now, Chuck was beginning to freak and get really agitated. He laid down behind me on the floor as to protect himself from the burning smell of melting plastic. Such a protector.

Don't stop now. Keep reading because it only gets better/dumber.

An entire gaggle of other drunkards tumbled out of the front door of their rental to lend their expertise. They're all standing around the smoldering remains of the electrical blaze trying to figure out how to solve the problem (with the jumper car STILL running) and lighting up their cigarettes as they lean in closer to get a better look. I know they're two totally different kinds of fire but am I the only one that thinks that might not be the brightest idea? Oh, and speaking of bright, I heard this one word-for-word a minute later. "Dude, you can't jump an American car [the Chevy Malibu] with a foreign car [the STILL running SUV]." Are you kidding me?!?! There's a 98% chance that both of those batteries came from Wal-Mart (thank you Melissa) and that the jumper cables were made in Taiwan.

But that didn't stop them from pulling a Ford up on the other side to try again. By now, I was only mildly entertained and extremely tired. Seriously, it's bed time. "Get it done" and go away. After fumbling with the cables for a good 10 minutes they FINALLY figured it out (this time actually doing it the right way) and headed back in doors so I headed back to bed. A few minutes later I realized that I could still hear a car running. They'd left the Malibu running as to keep charging the batter which is probably the right thing to do, but most people would drive it somewhere. Whatever, not my car. But I was tempted to take it for a little joyride and leave it in a ditch (still running as to keep recharging the battery).

And in conclusion, ten minutes later Ken and Barbie came out of the house to head who knows where and as they got into the fully charged Malibu I heard him say, "Babe, I feel so stupid."

As you should, Ken. As you should.


1 comment:

ALICIA said...

That's too funny. Glad you shared it!!

All of the true things that I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
- Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.