Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Set Ups

Am I the only one that's morally opposed to the set up? I have this theory (you'll soon learn that I have a lot of those and very few of them are based in reality) about being set up or blind dating. One of two things is bound to happen, either A) things turn out great and you hit it off and get married and are then obligated to remain besties with whomever it was that introduced you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE or B) it goes either badly or really badly and you sit there throughout the evening plotting revenge on your former friend and thinking, "This is what they consider compatible?!? It's not that we're in different leagues [after all, you don't want to seem too shallow], but we're playing totally different sports."

Don't get me wrong, I understand that in this day and age - and at my age - the options for ways to meet men are limited at best. I could meet someone at church, bump into someone at the grocery store, drop my water bottle in front of them at the gym, hit on the FedEx guy, update my (nonexistent) online profile, or allow my friends to introduce me to potential suitors (yup, I said it).

Just last week I got a text from my BFF, MJ, saying that she had, "a lead on a 31 yr old guy from Minnesota who works with Ike (her brother)." I know she didn't mean it, but it makes me sound like a victim on CSI. I guess I should be grateful that I'm not naked and laying on an ice cold autopsy table . . but is that where my dating life is? Have I become the cold dead corpse?

So here's my question, single readers, do your friends consider you projects? Do they feel the need to set you up with everyone they come across because you're both single? And is that enough to consider giving it a try? Or do you have a higher standard that a blind date must meet before you'll go out with them? Do you go out with anyone because it's free food (don't laugh, that's what got me through college)?

You see, my house is now under contract and the new buyers want me out ASAP and would like to rent it from me until the sale closes. Actually, they even want to buy all of my things . . couch, bed, kitchen table, dishes, towels, sheets, decorations etc etc etc. I'm not sure if I should feel flattered that the like my style or freaked out because this retired couple is trying to take over my life. But that's not the point. My problem is that due to the fact that I'm soon to be both unemployed and living in my parents basement in the middle of nowhere, I don't think I'll ever date again. Or the very least, not until I find a job and get out of there and with with economy, who knows when that might happen. I'm sure there are single guys down there but I'm related to 97% of them and the rest are divorced with multiple kids. So do I now lower my standards and go out with anyone because it's better to be with someone than to be alone? Or do I hold out and risk becoming the crazy cat lady that lives with her parents??


JennVan said...

Not that I know you or your life at all but I say be grateful that your house is sold and you have a place to go first off. Second, I think there are people we can connect to anywhere but as one who lives in a place where there are few single men my age, hold on to any opportunities to meet new people. I hope that there aren't only 2 choices when going on with someone you don't know on a date, whether someone sets you up or they ask you out. I've gotten some great friends out of set up dates. No, not everyone is a great match but I look at it as a way to expand my friend base and hope that I can be a friend to them. After all, isn't that the real bottom line of what its about to be Christ-like which we need to have in all our relationships, married or not?

JjHansen said...

You make some excellent points, Jenn. And you're right, I should be more grateful that my house has sold and that I'm not behind on my mortgage and all of that. And really, I am. Thank you for calling me out on that and on the dating aspect.

And I guess I didn't get into it (which I probably should have), but I'm not in any form, against introductions - just awkward blind dates. I've told friends this before but didn't get into it here. If you've got someone you want me to meet, then great! Have a dinner party or a game night or get a group together for a haunted corn maze. Let us hang in a non pressure situation and we'll decide. We may just be friends or even become great friends and we may date, but that way, we decide.

I hope that clarifies my feelings and doesn't sound as pessimistic as my post did.

Forgive me, blogstalkers?

Beckah said...

You never know, you may meet the man of your dreams in the middle of nowhere!
And, I don't think it's "lowering your standards" if you decide to date a divorcee. A lot of great guys end up divorced (with a few kids) simply because their wife decides she's not into the marriage anymore.
I live in the middle of nowhere, and there are 2 very nice 30 something guys in my ward that are divorced. Each of their wives (well, they only have one wife, but I can't figure out how to get that across appropriately....obviously I need to go back to middle school language class) just up and left them. AND, the guys have full custody of the kids. They are great guys and I always feel a little bad for them. They are probably "worse off" in the dating world than you feel you are. They already have 2 black marks against them before anyone even gets to know them.
So, now that I'm rambling, I'll let it go. I say keep all possibilities open!

-blogstalker Beckah

JjHansen said...

Oh goodness, I think I'm just digging myself in here. (hang my head in shame)

I'm not against dating guys who are divorced either. I've been there, done that too. I've also dated guys with kids - and I would never hold that against them (except for maybe the guy from the family ward that I wrote about last week that has six kids with one on a mission).

The problem with going home is that it truly is one of the smallest towns you will ever find. There is a gas station and a post office. There were 95 kids in my graduating class and that was six different towns combined in one school. The end. I pretty much grew up with all of the guys there and have known them since we were in the nursery or kindergarten together. Most of them have moved away but there are a couple guys still around that are single and one or two that are divorced and I'm related to at least two of them.

Oh goodness, I hope this clears it all up. I'm feeling so shallow right now, but it's really not my intent!

Note to self: Do not write blog posts in the middle of the night when you're not thinking clearly.

Beckah said...

No No no, don't feel shallow. And definitely do not stop writing when tired. That's the best time, then we get to see your true feelings, lol.

I don't think you're shallow at all. In fact, I feel the same way about the situation as you do.

Just reminding you to give EVERYONE a fair chance. Married, single, kids, living with parents, weird ears, bad breath, whatever. Your true love is out there somewhere!

PS I highly recommend that you DON'T lower your standards so much that you go out with the 2 that are related to you ;) haha

JennVan said...

Sorry, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad....I just wanted to say what I was seeing about things and how I view dating. I find it an interesting phenomenon that "set up" dates seem to be this HORRIBLE thing to so many people. (not that you said it was horrible but generally people say that) I don't understand how its different from a guy asking you out on a date when you've only barely met or even the random guy who just comes over and asks you out. What makes it so different? Maybe our own ideas of what should or should not happen? Maybe we are putting thoughts onto the relationship that the person setting us up didn't intent? I honestly don't think that most people who set other singles up think "this has to be the person they marry" when we put that on them. I think they see it as hey, go have fun and see what happens.

Thats just how I see it. I think sometimes and some people take dating way too seriously and yet others take it too light. I hope that we can stay in the middle ground and enjoy getting to meet new people with an eye toward establishing good relationships without going too far on being too serious to quickly.

My caveat is that I might see relationships differently than most people since I am a marriage and family therapist. I don't always agree with what "typically" happens in relationships or that we should always do what is "expected" of us because it isn't always very healthy for us or relationships. In general, I think dating is crappy because we have been trained to do it in fairly unhealthy ways, both emotionally and spiritually.

I hope I'm more clear about what I was trying to say.

JjHansen said...

Please don't ever worry about making me feel bad and comment as much as you'd like, whenever you'd like. It makes me feel much more important than I am. Plus, it would have to be some crazy mean attack to make me take something personal (unless you're my Mother - then I take it all personally).

And both of you guys make some excellent arguments. I really do need to be more open and honestly, I've been throwning myself a bit of a pity party lately due to the whole thing. (and that makes for a great introductory conversation - where do you work? In my basement. Where do you live? In my parents basement. What do you do for a living? Photograph products and eat twinkies. You get the general idea)

It will get better, thought right? MJ keeps saying that I've had enough crap and it's time for something good to happen to me . . or maybe for me to make happen. I guess we'll see.

So I'm going to try harder to see the glass half full and maybe one day it will overflow. cheezie, I know but whatever.

Now it's time to go curl up in the fetal position and brainstorm how I'm going to make it happen. :D

All of the true things that I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
- Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.