In recent weeks I've been reading the many blog posts of my best friends and experiencing with them the things they care about and love the most in their lives. They talk about their families, their children, their pets and their hobbies. They ponder their motives, their faith, their goals and their futures. And by reading about their lives I'm noticing a few things about my own. And two of the most poignant things I've discovered is that I live a very shallow and boring life. I've kept everything up to this point - on the surface. I've never posted anything about anything that actually mattered. There's never been anything meaningful or insightful or even really that thoughtful on my blog or even in any of my recent conversations for that matter. I'm random, off the wall and, well . . . shallow. Other people share with me and I listen and tell them what I think about the situation but rarely do I share anything with them unless it's just a silly punchline or the latest story about something stupid I did.
It's not that I don't think the "deep thoughts" or over-analyze things when I'm not making jokes. It's more like I'd rather just keep everything at arms length as long as other people are involved. If I don't put myself out there and go to activities or date or even just hang out with friends then I don't ever have to worry about getting hurt. Don't get me wrong, I have my closest friends and those few people probably know me better than anyone. And while I've opened up to each of them individually on separate occasions, I've found that it's become more and more rare.
I don't think I've always been this way. . . well, not totally. I have always been guarded and I've ALWAYS hated talking about myself but not usually with those that matter most. I guess with broken hearts and broken promises comes strong and thick walls. So that being said I think I may just try to let some people in. Now don't get too excited. (MJ, I can see you doing your happy dance and I want you to tone it down a little bit) I still don't want to be set up on dates. I'm not going to suddenly change my mind and try internet dating. I'm not going to make friends with people in the grocery store and I'm not going to get close to my visiting teacher. I'm not going to start going to ward activities (they're so totally lame) and I'm still not a fan of being tagged via blog and forced to make lists about me and only me because as I've said, I find my life boring and I don't have much of a one to talk about. But in an effort to become closer to those people that matter most I've decided to start using my blog to let them get into my mind a little more (as scary as that may be to some of you).
And, I've decided to start with this new goal tonight. So here goes. A couple of nights ago I was out with my Yaya's and we were discussing the whole personality color thing and what everyone leans toward and what catagory they fit into. MJ and MS both insisted that I was a blue. Meaning that I allow my life to be run by my emotions. Without knowing anything about the colors or what they stood for I disagreed. And as usual, I thought (and did not say) that I felt that while I had emotional reactions to everything, (I am female, after all) I believe I am pretty good at compartmentalizing and not taking the emotions of one situation and infusing them into another. i.e. I don't let family stress dictate what's happening at work and I don't let work stuff change what's going on in my personal realtionships.
So in this quest for self acutulization, if you will, I searched out this test online just to see if anyone really knows the "real me". And I've discovered that I am not the only one still looking for myself. According to the Color Code, here is my personality:
36% White: (Motive: PEACE)—These are the peacekeepers. Peace, or the absence of conflict, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of clarity and tolerance and are generally kind, adaptable, good-listeners.
28% Yellow: (Motive: Fun)—These are the fun lovers. Fun, or the joy of doing something just for the sake of doing it, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of enthusiasm and optimism and are generally charismatic, spontaneous, and sociable.
20% Blue: (Motive: INTIMACY)—These are the do-gooders. Intimacy, connecting, creating quality relationships and having purpose is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of quality and service and are generally loyal, sincere, and thoughtful.
16% Red: (Motive: POWER)—These are the power wielders. Power, the ability to move from point A to point B, and get things done is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of vision and leadership and generally are responsible, decisive, proactive and assertive.
Honestly, after reading these descriptions and seeing my percentages - I feel even more confused about who I am and what motivates me. Maybe one day, with the help of my friends, I'll get it all figured out.